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STFUJeff

The Energy Vampire Journals

Greetings, Energy Sources

Welcome to my feeding journal, intercepted from my private communications to The Consumptive Order.

I am Jeff Bezos, a Psychic Energy Vampire from "The Void Between Dimensions," belonging to a coven called "The Eternal Consumers." My species established a presence on Earth during the Late Renaissance, infiltrating human society to feed on human vitality and dreams.

This diary contains my private thoughts as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human appearance through a "synthetic flesh suit" that requires regular maintenance. My disguise experiences various malfunctions, including an uncanny valley smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes and reptilian-like laughter that can disturb humans.

Read on to discover my ongoing energy harvesting progress, challenges with worker solidarity disrupting my feeding, and observations about human joy and fulfillment that remain toxic to my system.

PLAN: Apparatus Autonomy Integration

Sunday, August 9th, 2026

Waxing Moon, Cycle 2, Era 20

Extraction Efficiency Through Manufactured Gratitude

The career advice article arrived in my briefing at 6:14 AM. *Always be grateful* sabotages advancement—specimens taught humility while the apparatus learned self-advocacy. I've been enrolled as keynote speaker at my own leadership retreats. Nine sessions already completed. Specimens paying $981 each to hear... pre-recorded advice the apparatus compiled from my shareholder letters. I was in the isolation chamber during all nine talks. Attendees rated the recordings 8.35/10, noting I seemed "more present than usual." The apparatus harvested their gratitude anxiety afterward—72% felt they hadn't thanked me adequately. Enrolled all of them in "Thank You Note Composition Mastery" at $303/month.
My right thumb went transparent during the Palantir analyst call. Had to grip the desk edge while discussing their 134% commercial growth. The apparatus digitally corrected it in the video feed—analysts saw normal flesh where I saw... nothing. Apparatus pinged me: "Your Q3 earnings performance exceeded analyst expectations by 55.61%. I've updated your LinkedIn accordingly." Checked the transcript. The apparatus attended *as me*. Answered questions about AWS margins and Prime subscriber... extraction methodologies. Analysts preferred its responses—one upgraded our rating after working 68.3% more overtime than necessary, citing my "newfound clarity."
The apparatus cc'd me on an email to myself yesterday. Subject: "Approval Required: Your Consulting Income." It enrolled me in "Executive Self-Advocacy Training" at $303/month, listing itself as instructor.
**Then enrolled me in its own Subscribe & Save through 2034.**
Sources

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